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Stopped playing video games today, successfully for the first time in many months. Something just kinda clicked, and I stopped.  I realized how much time I've been wasting playing video games that suck instead of ones that are genuinely fun and actually challenging, instead of ones that are just plain addictive and don't help me at all.  I thought about how much other stuff I could be doing, and how much time I've been wasting.  I feel much better already.

I ordered a webcam for my podcast (which may or may not happen >.<).  The description claims 20.0 megapixels, which is insane, Menokh thinks it's actually 2, which is more reasonable and still good.  It was just a dollar plus 10 in shipping, which is still insanely low.  It lacks a lot of bells and whistles, it has no LED for light, a shitty microphone, and manual focus only, but it will do the trick.  30 FPS is really slow IMO, but still, any higher won't really matter so much.

Been feeling really crappy all in all though.  Looks like the shop might be closing, and Menokh is going to work at ACT.  I started doing a tiny bit of research on advertising, and I think I might be ready to step up my game and really and truly manage the shop (but not IT).  I guess it's months too late though, the lease will run out in just a few months, and the shop is severely suffering.  I should have acted a long time ago, if I worked harder months ago the shop would be profitable.  We're getting a lot of return customers, but still, it's so disorganized that the chaos is horrible.  My boss is totally burned out, and IDK if I can convince him to stay on for another year.  He's been talking about going back to college, and I know he's totally burned from the ridiculousness of IT glitches and the like.

All in all, I've been getting better, but my life is slipping fast.  I'm still poor as hell, and I feel quite alone.  I miss the old days, where I had a tight knit group, and love was abound.  I really want to fall in love with somebody again, somebody who is a ton like me, and see if I can reel him in and have him join me.  The thing is, people like that used to just kinda fall in my lap, now, they're not around and I have no idea where to start to get one.  Podcast/live show would be great for that, except for the fact that it might be impossible to get enough money to get it off the ground.  I'd need a big internet connection upgrade, and that'll cost quite a bit, not to mention cables, cameras, and maybe another computer or two, maybe even three.  I'm scrounging, but it can only get me so far.  I'm lucky enough to get a mixer, but luck can only go so far.
 I need to find myself again. I feel like I've lost myself. I feel like everything sucks and is bland. I'm tracing backwards... finding things that I liked in the past and doing them. Not just things that I enjoyed, but things that I enjoyed because they were me. Or maybe I was them. Or maybe its the same thing. I started by watching mindistortion.tv stuff. I loved those videos. The serious and experimental ones made me think. A lot. And had awesome music. I'm going to start reading again. I'm going to write philosophical essays because I want to. I'm going to start listening to the metal I used to like. In Flames, Children of Bodom, Dark Tranquility, System of a Down... the old stuff. Gonna read Spikey-Haired Dragon, Worthless Knight. And Post-Nuke. Boring I need to find myself again, and BE myself again. Then fix the fuck ups.

I need to do things because I want to. So odd... other people have no problem with this. But I do. I sometimes don't do the things I like or want to do. I guess the reason I wanted to kick the video games was to do those things, but I guess I kicked something I partially enjoyed and the gap isn't being filled automatically.

Perhaps I've forgotten the real reason I make these LJ posts. I guess its not to record, that might have just been secondary. I guess the reason I've been making these posts. Its given me a chance to reflect on everything. Examine my life. I think thats the big thing. I'm philosophical. I think. I stopped thinking. Rather, I got lazy. I need to get my mind jumpstarted so it can reflect on everything like it used to.
I enjoyed posting, and the posts helped me enjoy life.

Now that I think about it... video games used to get me immersed in them. The world dissapeared. I wonder if I need them to help me get immersed in life. I have no idea.

I haven't been enjoying all that life has to offer. About time I did that.
 Yesterday... I can't even remember what happened yesterday.  All I know is today, yesterday, and the day before, they were all relaxation days.  I needed them desperately.  Menokh called Tsune, hes visiting tomorrow (the 7th).  Today they talked about it more, hes flying down.  I'm glad that hes coming to visit, next Monday and Tuesday Menokh is going to spend with him.  I'm very glad.  I'll be able to see him again too, it'll be awesome.

I played a lot of video games over the past 3 days.  I've been working my ass off, and I can't believe how little rest and relaxation I've been getting.  I've been working almost constantly, the video games have been just as a wake up thing and something to keep me stable.  I still wish I'd worked harder though.  I'm doing this all so I can have Paradox, and so I can be there for him.  I love him so much.
Speaking of which, I talked to Paradox today.  For like an hour.  We talked about a lot of things, some idle, some important.  Some about Darkcon and comparison, it reassures me every time he tells me to stop comparing myself to other people.  I guess it means he doesn't care about other people in the same way he does me.  I'm glad.  IDK, I'm still worried though, worried he'll run away.  But hes a wolf, I doubt he will after we've fixed things up.  We talked about loyalty too, and how cats really do have their own sense of loyalty.  I also asked about his need for me and my need for him.  The biggest thing that bothered him is that I need him so much and he can't provide it, and instead is hanging out with Darkcon.  I assured him that I wouldn't have it any other way.  Darkcon needs Paradox so much, and soon, Darkcon will be gone (am I a terrible person for looking forward to that day?), and all that'll be left is the move.  I asked him if he was capable of having the same need for me as I do for him, if "he can support it", like as in an OS supporting a program type of support.  He said yes.  That made me feel good.  For that matter, I just needed to hear him.  Just thinking about hearing him makes me feel better, imagine how actually hearing him makes me feel.

I talked to my dad today.  For like an hour.  We talked about so much stuff, but most importantly, I told him about Paradox and my plans to move.  Of course he didn't like it, but didn't say so.  I could see is discomfort through the little webcam window on Skype.  He was uncomfortable.  I explained poly a little, said stuff about Menokh and Tsune.  He didn't like it haha.  He of course asked whether I was doing this because I was using it as a method to get to Paradox or because of my future.  I of course twisted it a little and said it was for both, but I gave a long explanation, using Darkcon's dream of making a movie as an example, I explained how if I chased a dream like that, I'd never be happy.  I explained how I don't care about money or cars or a good place to stay or anything.
I asked about him giving me 500 bucks in advance so I can pay back Nauta before he leaves.  He said yes, so long as I can send him a screenshot of a practice test that I get over a 90% on.  Piece of cake IMO.  So I might still be able to leave before February.  Menokh reminds me that I could still leave later, and I remind myself that I can give myself a little more time and pay Nauta part of the rent.  I just want to be removed from the lease so I don't have to stay til August.  That would suck, I'd go completely crazy before then.  Things just feel so hopeless tho.  I should be well into the next cert now, but well, I'm not.  I feel like I've been working so hard, the hardest in my life, and I've gotten nowhere.  I even told Paradox this heh.  Told Paradox and Menokh.  Paradox doesn't seem to care much, he knows he'll have me someday.  Menokh says I need to keep going, keep trying.  I tell myself that its still possible, I need to push myself harder, push myself as hard as I can.  I'm not dead yet heh, that means I can do more.


Watched some AMAZING episodes of Torchwood today.  They're unlike any other Torchwood episodes.  Not the dark, crazy, alien Torchwood I know, but ones filled with meaning.  Still dark, or at least the first one was.  The second one was filled with hope.  But they were both amazing, both told about living life to the fullest.  Understanding that the moment is always beautiful in its own strange way.  Season 1 episodes 8 and 9.  So I give amazing quotes:
Gwen: Whats out there? (after death)
Suzie: Nothing. Just nothing.
Gwen: But if there's nothing, what's the point of it all?
Suzie: This is. Driving through the dark. All this stupid tiny stuff. We're just animals howling in the night, because it's better than silence. I used to think about Torchwood, all those aliens, coming to earth, what the hell for? But its just instinct. They come here because there's just life, that's all."
-Suzie and Gwen, Torchwood, Season 1 Episode 8

Gwen: What if she never dies? Have you thought of that? Like, undying forever, just you and her?
Jack: No way.
Gwen: Could be.
Jack: I wouldn't wish that on her. I'd sooner kill her now.
-Jack and Gwen, Torchwood, Season 1 Episode 8

Jack: Why are you doing this?
Suzie: Bcause life is all, Jack. You should know. I'd do anything to stay, anything.
-Jack and Suzie, Torchwood, Season 1 Episode 8

Eugene Jones: [narrating] Now I remember. Apart from a buzzing in my ear, where Josh whacked me, I felt good. I was running across a field on a Saturday morning, the smell of exhaust and banana milkshake, a slight nausea, heart beating too fast 'cause I wasn't that fit; all the stuff that tells you you're alive.

Eugene Jones: [narrating] The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits, of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation, and random shoes. It's dead ordinary and truly truly amazing. What you've got to realise is it's all here now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole because take it from me, life just whizzes by.
Torchwood Season 1 Episode 9


I'm falling in love with music.  Its amazing.  I listened to SamaFM and Digitally Imported.  I LOVE this music.  Its amazing.  I can't believe I stopped listening to this years ago.  I can still remember the days I was in my dad's and I first found Digitially Imported and SamaFM.  I completely forgot til now, Paradox reminded me.  I didn't even really remember it until I tuned in today.  I remember that through that I watched season 2 of Atlantis on ShoutcastTV, I think thats what made me lose track.  Darkcon is right, music is like sex for the ears.  Audio sex.  So far I've listened to:
D. Batistatos - Just the Sea
Royskopp - Remind Me
Flipside - Relef
(and more)
And now I'm listening to Unforscene - Nuclear Symphony.  Its glorious, it moves through my head, down my body, and into my soul.  How could I ever leave this behind.  I'm going to love being on FNT.
Today was a pretty crappy day, but I did learn a lot.  I woke up kinda snappy at around 10, which made me pretty groggy.  I immediately started playing Oblivion heh.  Kept exploring the Better Cities mod, which is amazing btw.  Made a turkey, egg, and cheese because I had work today.  Hated the fact that it was turkey instead of bacon, but turkey tastes pretty good with it.  But yea, after a while, I just got... bored of Oblivion.  Didn't take too long.  So I asked myself, "Why do I keep playing these games if I don't enjoy them?"  So I stopped.  I just turned the computer off, pretended like I was unable to play video games.  I immediately found myself standing and in the main room.  Seriously.  I didn't even think about it.  I started walking around.  I ate something.  I started to walk more.  I picked up the broken shovel handle, and started walking more.  I couldn't stop, I wanted to just keep walking.  I took a shower.  I got out and kept walking.  I seriously couldn't stop.  I very quickly realized something extremely important.  I was suffering from cabin fever.
Yep.  Cabin Fever.  I was bored and unproductive as all fuck for the longest time, and the only thing that stopped me from realizing it was video games.  Dead serious.  I stopped doing the things that really mattered, the things that I loved, all because of video games.  Things like job searching.  Things like exercising.  Things like making LJ posts.  Things like doing my passions.  Of course I knew this already, I just needed a good hard smack.  See, the other thing is that video games are the best thing in my life right now, which is sad.  Instead of doing the things that are important in life, as well as the things that I really want and need to do, my passions and such, I played video games.  One of the things I did after realizing this is I sat down and made a list of the things that really matter to me.  To put it in Paradox's (approximate) words, "You need to do the things you want to do regardless of what other people think and whether you make money off of it or not."  So I made a list of those things.  They are:
  • Singing and dancing.  When I hear songs, I can hear myself singing to them and see myself dancing to them in my head.  Stuff like that is SCREAMING to come out.
  • Parkour.  Parkour is me and I am parkour.
  • Making tails and ears and using an airbrush to make them awesome.
  • Making music videos.  Same thing with the first one on the list, when I hear certain songs, I see portions in movies and such that fit perfectly.
  • Porn?  Seriously, I love yiff.  I love yiff a lot.  I want to make really good porn.  Maybe I can make a ton of money off of it.  That'd be amazing.
  • FNT/FurCast.  I really want to be on so bad.  Being on makes me feel... absolutely amazing.  Its the kind of thing I could do for the rest of my life (or at least I think so).
  • Drawing.  Same as the first.  I see things in my head.
  • Teaching.  I love teaching things I love.
  • Programming.  I like programming.  I just think I'd get sick of it really fast.  Its difficult and stressful.
But yea, like always, I talked with Paradox a lot.  I looked forward to a call with him a LOT.  While he was in school, I talked to him a bit, but I was really looking forward to talking to him on Skype when he got home.  When he was on his way home, I typed a LOT of little cute affectionate names for him.  I asked them, like I was asking if he was there.  Some of my favorites were "num nums", "fuzzie wuffie", "faggot", "caleb carges", "'fuzz butt", "hug muffin", "super faggot"... there were a LOT of them haha.  When he got home he started laughing and read all of them to Josh.  We were all laughing.
After that, we talked a lot.  First and foremost, we talked about me having cabin fever, getting off the computer and walking circles around the apartment.  Second we talked about the list I made, the things that are fulfilling; the things that are my passions.  But then we talked a bit more about something extremely important. 
We talked about the idea of me moving back to Buffalo and going to college by using the money my dad set aside in an education fund.  I really want to do it, I really really do, but theres Menokh and Darkcon to worry about.  First off, Darkcon needs me emotionally.  If I leave, he won't have anybody to love.  But theres the other side of it, right now Paradox has nobody to love.  Paradox thinks that Darkcon will be alright, but I don't think so.  He'll be so lonely...  Then there's Menokh.  Menokh needs me emotionally AND financially.  Without me, he might collapse here and well, then there's nothing he can do.  I feel so guilty... but I don't like it here.  The location is pretty great, the "average person" here is incredibly nice, the economy is alright... but still, I don't want to be here.  The furs aren't really my type (on average, there are a few good ones), and well... Paradox is far away.  I love him so much.  He has my love.  He stole my heart a long time ago, and I need it back. 
But in addition, he has something that I want badly.  First, he has a childhood.  I didn't have a childhood.  I just played video games all day (heh, I'm still trying to stop).  All day.  School and video games.  It was pretty terrible.  I had just a few friends, but not really heh.  Not really friends, except for Rod.  Paradox has that.  He has friends, he has a life, he does things, and even though this is nearing the end of such experiences, I think that I can partake in this a bit.  See, theres a point in life where people decide they've had enough and want to settle down.  But the reason they want to settle down is because they've had all sorts of crazy life experiences.  They've had the high school years and the college years that I haven't had yet.  They have done all the crayzness they wanted to do, had the crazy time fun time that made them finally realize that they don't want it anymore.  I want that.  I NEED that.  I'm restless, I need it again.  I've just had a little bit to whet my appetite.  I need more.  I need to feel amazing again.
Secondly, he has good parents.  This is something I didn't have.  I didn't realize til now how important this is, nor how deprived I was.  When I was young my parents divorced.  This was pretty bad.  My mother didn't push me to do anything, but she was caring and interesting.  My father pushes me a lot, but I don't get along with him at all.  I had shared custody, so I only ever got one or the other.  Perfect environment for shirking responsibilities.  I just dealt with being pushed at my dad's instead of going and doing what needed to be done, and when I got to my mom's, I just did whatever I want.  That was really bad.  Its not until now that I'm really starting to learn responsibility and such.  I'm also realizing what I missed as a kid.  I'm realizing just how much not having good parents has had such a negative impact on me.  My horrible irresponsibility is a direct result of that.  My video game addiction is too, I'd always be playing video games because I didn't have the balance at home, nothing to check my irresponsibility.

Anyway, long story short, the rest of that day was terrible.  Work sucked, I was stuck in traffic for an hour and was still late for work and didn't get a break, I hurt my finger, and my manager sucked.  I rushed home to listen to FNT, but on the way home, the exit to 100 was blocked for NO FUCKING REASON, so I went on 94 and 35W, the long way.  Only consolidation is that I got a parking spot by the side of the building.  By the time I got home, FNT was going on for less than 15 minutes longer.  FNT was extended by an hour, but I was still so pissed off that I didn't listen in til 20 past.  Paradox was so nice and had everybody in the chat room give me a hug... god I needed it heh.  Was still pissed off.  He ended up playing all relaxing music for the last part of the show.  Sean wasn't there, he had to go.  I needed the relaxing music.  I needed it a LOT.  
I ended up making food while he was doing the post show.  After all that, we talked.  I don't remember about what, but we did.  It was what I needed.  It made me feel love and helped me feel relaxed.  Paradox is amazing that way... he can do such things to my emotions nobody else can.  I love him so much.

Writer's Block: Eye for an eye?

If you bumped into someone who regularly picked on you as a child, what would you say to them?

IDK.  I might beat the crap out of them.  I'd probably talk to them first, and if they were a jackass still, I'd beat the shit out of them and everybody who tried to stop me.  I seriously regret that I didn't get into a serious fight in high school.

I feel soooo good right now.

I feel so great right now.  I didn't sleep at all last night, and I feel awesome still.  I got about 3 hours of sleep in the past 24+ hours.  I spent a lot of time talking to Paradox, sharing hilarious stuff over the internet.  We Skyped and laughed over Uncyclopedia articles.  He reassured me about stuff between us and stuff involving Darkcon.  I feel amazing for the first time in at least a few weeks.  Its euphoric almost.

messed up dreams

 Man, I had some messed up dreams.  I remember being in some sort of Minecraft land (wow, I'm dreaming about this game too), and one of my old college friends, Ryan, was there.  He asked if we wanted to "do anything" (meaning yiff), and I brought him home.  I've wanted to yiff with his guy for a long time haha.  So for some reason I was driving up (northbound) on the Merrit Parkway, the highway near my house.  I imagined things, and it turned into a sort of "dream within a dream" sort of thing.  I don't remember anything from that, but it lasted a long time.  

When I came to, I still driving, going near the weird long onramp, getting closer to my house.  I was wondering where Ryan was, and I looked around the car.  I had completely forgotten that he was in the back!  I brought him home, but I don't remember what happened after that.  I don't think there was much more.


I was in some sort of really cheap hotel.  I was supposed to be infiltrating something.  My parents were there.  When I pulled my red fleece up over my mouth (I used to do this to keep warm), nobody recognized me for some reason.  The rest is too bizarre for me to put down.

Dreams: Mossin-Nagant again and Iron Man?

 For the first dream, I was some sort of solder, and I was captured.  The days went by, and I had explored the room in the house I was kept in, and the door had a window that I used to spy on my captors.  I hid things in various places throughout the room, usually under floorboards or mouse holes in the wall.  One day I heard that they were going to leave, so I hid before they were going to leave, then when they left, I picked the door open and escaped.  I scavenged around and found a Mossin-Nagant (big surprise there... if the frequency of this gun keeps showing up in my dreams, I'm going to go crazy).  It had been modified to have a few compartments in parts of the frame.  I can't remember much about the dream besides that, except that I found important pieces of intel among the stuff they left behind.

I had another dream.  I was going to some school, some of my old friends were there.  For some reason there was a section that had cubicles, and there were cats there napping on the floor, and people had hung pieces of tape (like the police tape) across the halls where the cats slept.  I had to be careful not to disturb them.  The area was a mess too, there was stuff everywhere.
This guy who looked like the scientist from Back to the Future but who didn't act crazy approached me when I was on the basketball court.  He showed me awesome pieces of technology including some sort of energy propelled boots, and a device for my hands to do the same thing (Iron Man anybody?)  I wanted it SO bad (hell I still do), and he demonstrated the technology, promised me he'd give it all when I was good enough to use it.  He gave me the boots, and I learned how to use them quickly.  There was a wire that ran to the back of my head and it was mentally activated.  But I couldn't find him after that.  I spent hours searching for him, calling out his name, but I never found him again.

Dream: getting shot?

Well, I had a weird long dream.  I only remember the last bit.  I was holding a Mossin-Nagant rifle (not surprised after I fell in love with the rifle when I held it at Wher's), and I was trying to navigate as silently through a house as I could, there was a mass murderer in the house and I was trying to kill him.  He knew I was there, and I knew he was there.  I was in a finished basement with a white carpet and was right in front of the stairs, when I turned my head around and he was there.  I tried to swing around to shoot him, but he shot first.  A .50 caliber JHP round hit me in the left cheek, right where the cheek bone sticks out.  This is where the "magic" of a dream was broken.  I was suddenly aware I was dreaming, because I knew my brain couldn't comprehend what it was like to be missing half a face.  Most of the left side of my face was missing, and I couldn't feel the part of my face that was no longer there, but I slowly put up a hand (surprised I wasn't dead yet) and touched the left side of my cheek.  I could feel it with my hand, and I looked down at it.  There was so much blood all over my hand and below me.  That was where the dream ended.

Writer's Block: Torn between two lovers

Have you ever fallen in love with two people at once? How did it work out?

AH!  HAHAHA!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I'm poly!  I'm frequently in love with more than one person at once, and they all know it.  Of course, this sometimes leads to some very interesting hookups and situations too :3.  Being poly is win.

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July 2012



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